can this be real?

seriously?

is the scale right?

i weighed three times this morning to be sure. can you lose 2.2 pounds in 2 days?

The Weekend

Well, I did see some loss this weekend - a tiny bit... and I'm over the first 10 pounds - which is just amazing to me... 10.8 pounds! WOW!
Granted, that's in the last 5 weeks, so it's not TOO amazing... but I'm progressing.

I was concerned that I might not have any loss... a long weekend - off work - home alone... a disaster waiting to happen, right?

Saturday was tougher than Monday with being alone. I had gone the the gym with my friend first thing on Saturday morning, and it was a great workout... but I was a hungry beast all day! I was so bummed out because I just wanted to eat all day! I made a couple of bad choices...(namely, a rice krispy treat and 2 cookies in the afternoon (not all together)), and I even had three pieces of dark Dove chocolate in the evening... ugh!

On Sunday, a few of us went to eat Mexican food. We go to this place often and I am NOTORIOUS for getting an extra side of sour cream. This time, no extra, and I only dabbed at what came on the plate... but I hadn't eaten greasy food like that in a while and I paid for it the rest of the afternoon/evening. I felt like I had a knot in my stomach... and that it remained full for the whole night.

I ended up getting to sleep in on Monday because it turns out no one could go with me to the gym - so I slept some. I never get to sleep in! I got up, still no food since about 7 p.m. on Sunday, around 10:15 and ate a string cheese stick. Dairy before the gym? DOH!

I headed off on my lone trip and got there around 11. I did my workout, though - minus a few minutes of the cardio. I normally do that on the treadmill because its comfortable, but I did try a few minutes on the eliptical. They said it would be better for my bum knee, but I thought it hurt! And the workout was much more intense than the treadmill, so that paired with some extra weights I did on my weight training made me feel okay about the few minutes I took off the final cardio.

I went on from there to the grocery store to get a few things so that I could make some low-fat crockpot meals for the week. I ended up only making one, but I'm excited to try it tonight... Italian pork chops with wheat spaghetti and green beans. Hope it's good!

I ended up not having anything to eat really until about 1:30 or 2 that day. I had the cheese stick, yes, but only water.... I just still wasn't hungry. That Mexican did me in.

We had a yummy dinner with our best friends (a couple, who just got to move in next door!) of grilled chicken, potato salad and boiled corn on the cob.... yum! I had about 1400 calories to spare, so I felt okay - but I didn't over do it.

Then, here I am. 367. 10.8 pounds less than when I decided it was official... I am going to be a bigger loser!

:)

Saturday's Through...

Well, a friend (her first time on the rotation) and I went this morning to the gym.

We had a good time and got to talk, so that's cool.

I'm glad it's done for a couple of days...

:)

Friday before a long weekend...

i'm so thankful to have a long weekend. i hope all of you are off work - but if not, i'm sorry... if you're in a service job, thanks for working!

Cammy is right. The Nutz Over Chocolate Luna Bar was great! It's a tight race between it and the Chocolate Peppermint Stick. at least for now, those are the 2 i'll stick with. a friend suggested I get the Dulce de Leche one as well... no worries, if i see it in the store, i'll pick it up.

I am going to the gym tomorrow morning before work (I work a 2nd job for my church) with a new friend in the rotation. She's a few months pregnant, so I'll be sure to help her not to overdo it in helping me. Should be fun, though.

Monday will be interesting. I'm off work all day. My roommates will both be gone. I AM going to the gym - hopefully in the morning - just to go ahead and get it done... but it's possible that will be a loner workout.

I also plan to rest on Monday - do a few things around the house and such - but I'm really hoping I don't have any major temptations with food... I need to plan well and go to the store... and stick to it!

I'll let you know how it goes.

p.s. - i updated the ticker again. woot!

It's BACK.

earlier this week, i had a visit... from that guy up there

thankfully, because of some internet searches and my friend again, i found a few options. so far, my favorite pick are Luna Bars.

They have several great flavors. I've had two now (not today)... Chocolate Peppermint Stick and Caramel Chocolate Brownie. The peppermint one was better to me... but the brownie one was a little more of a dark chocolate flavor if you prefer that.

The only other one I have purchased is the Nuts over Chocolate. Let's hope I can make it to the weekend before I eat it... :)

Any other good suggestions?
and don't tell me what one lady said online (not to me, but on a blackboard page i found)...
"Just buy the chocolate bar you really want and only eat a bite or two of it."

are you kidding me?

Wakey, Wakey - Eggs and Bac-ey

It's Bac-ey instead of bakey... because it refers to bacon.

I don't even like bacon...

Anyway, today I needed to do a morning time for the gym because of my busy evening schedule. Last night was the American Idol finale and my roommates and friends were watching it together on DVR, so we ended up not getting done until around 11:15 or so. I was nervous and intimidated because I knew for sure that I would so tired in the morning and tempted not to get up. My roommate was to go with me - she's a great servant.

Anyway - as we finally both were running for our beds, I decided that there wasn't anything I could do... I had to just get to sleep as soon as possible so that I could do it. I had to do it.

I'm fairly sure that I woke up almost every hour... I was nervous that I'd not be able to get up, I suppose. Who knows?! We had to leave by 5:45 because I knew that the routine would take about an hour, give or take, and in order to be at work on time, I need to be back home shortly after 7 to shower and get ready... to be at work by 8.

My alarm went off around 5:30 and I jumped up. I honestly felt like I had never been asleep... I wasn't tired as if I had been up all night, but I wasn't groggy at all... so weird! I got ready and met my roommate in the kitchen to leave. Neither of us were talking, really.

We ended up leaving a little bit later, I guess, or maybe just getting up stairs and getting ready to begin warm-up took longer than expected. So, we were off. 5 minutes on the treadmill to warm up and then my 2nd routine of weight training set by my trainer. This one, in general, was a little easier for me. I do have one exercise with dumb bells (yes, only 5 pound weights) that kicks my BUTT - well, kicks my ARMS - but we did the training and replenished our water. We were running late because we had a little trouble finding one machine that we needed and then we couldn't find 4 5lb. weights so that she could do them at the same time as me... so we only got to do 20 of the 30 cardio minutes. We have a few machine pieces here at work, so this afternoon, I'm going to go do the other 10 on the eliptical if I can.

I do feel great. In several ways... yes, better in general because of my increase in water (from NONE... literally, I've been weeks before without water to several Nalgene fulls a day) and my movement... but also just feeling so great that the gym is over for the day!

Let's hope the afternoon doesn't bring this:

food.

i feel so sick right now!
i just don't have good knowledge about foods... well, that's not true - i have knowledge - and I have even more information right at my fingertips anytime i need it... or want it...

so i went to get a salad at applebees today - i've been craving this one for about a week now... and when the craving never went away, i decided to go ahead and get it - knowing that at least it was a salad and that if i didn't satisfy the craving somehow, i'd end up binging.

so i ate the whole thing. it was so good... then i come back to the office to record it (i'm supposed to submit food logs to my trainer for her to help assess my nutritional plan) and i looked it up online for info. 47 grams of fat. 672 calories. a dang salad! i am so frustrated!
dressing and condiments are a killer for me... i love them.
i'm not a fan of anything vinegrette based, so that's out for me... and ff dressings are just crap, usually! anyone have any options for those?

then... an hour after i've eaten... it hits me. it hasn't happened in over a week.

the chocolate monster came.

and i ate hershey's kisses with almonds.

great!

now i'll be dining on carrots only for dinner.

i'm so mad at myself!

Crying With No Tears

So... last night was the first time I did a full set laid out for my by my trainer. My friends are doing a rotation so that someone goes with me everytime I need to go to the gym. You might notice that I didn't say "want" to go to the gym. Some days I'm there... some days I'm not.

So we met at the gym after work and I went upstairs to get started. I changed - praying the whole time - I know that God will do this! He will sustain me!

We went over to the offices to get my training folder and we began. Right away I had to really fight to be excited and just do the exercise. My friend was super excited to start and was doing some "trainer talk" that I needed to get used to. I tried not to seem annoyed... and honestly, I really wasn't annoyed... I think I was just feeling embarrased or something - so strange.

Anyway, we did 4 weight exercises that were planned for me... squats with an exercise ball (the ball is between me and a wall); a rowing exercise, a shoulder press, and one more... I can't remember the names yet. I'll take some photos one day and show you exactly the exercise I do. Sorry, none of me just yet.

The trainer set up 2 weight exercise groups for me to rotate, so I'll do the next one on Thursday morning.

Then came the cardio. There are two that I'm supposed to rotate - but do one twice per week and the other once per week - because it feels more intense... that's not the one I picked to do last night. :o)

The two to rotate on the treadmill:
30 minutes keeping my heart rate steady (at the 70% thing... 220-your age x 70%) so that I can have a conversation the whole time... make sense?

the other:
2-3 minutes of the 70% thing - then 1 minute of "go like hell." then again. until my 30 minutes are up. The trainer actually wrote "go like hell" on my paper. That was funny.
It won't be funny on Thursday morning, I can assure you - I'm afraid! She said, "I want you for that minute to only be able to give one word answers." Then I'll spend my next 2-3 minutes calming down and getting ready for the next time the 1 minute comes.

So - my friend had to leave about 15 minutes into my 30 minute cardio. I told her I would be fine and that I'd swear on the Bible that I had completed the work if she wanted me to! I meant it... she just said, "it's only yourself that you'll be cheating if you don't do it."

I kept using my mp3 player and trudged on. I tried to stay up in speed as much as I could. Once in a while, I would take 30 seconds or so to go slower and breathe a little. :o)

I got to the last 4-5 minutes and knew that this is when I really needed to have my theme song. I've had one in mind for a few days now, and I'm mostly settled on it... but until I'm sure, I'll keep that a secret. Just know, it was really helpful for me last night and it got me thru the end of the 30 minutes. They ended almost simultaneously. So cool.

So, today I'm a bit sore - especially my right arm - its the one I had the most trouble with during exercises... my left arm was pushing thru the machines and doing fine but my right arm would be shaky and less strong... so maybe that's why it hurts more... :o)

I'm thankful for all of your support! The comments are such a treat! I have them forwarded to my work email, so when they come it, I jump a little in my seat, anxious to see what you'll say...

More later!

OH! Wait! I almost forgot to tell you why I named this post what I did...
When I got back in the car, I burst out crying. That was the hardest I had ever worked out - probably ever. Seriously. And I needed to cry - and I tried. But no tears came out. It was almost comical except I really needed to cry! Maybe soon...

Full Write Up

I'm working on a full write up of the past week's events - they've been amazing.

To brief you, until I get it written up well:
~on Wednesday night, my friend shared with me her concern of my weight and said that she and 3 of my other friends had gone in together and gotten me a year's membership to a gym
~on Thursday, I met with the general manager to go over a lot of stuff and my friends also got me a year of personal training - once per month
~i went to the gym on Saturday to meet with the trainer and got my plan set up then just did some treadmill work

i go tonight to do my first planned gym workout. my friends are rotating so that one of them will be with me everytime i go to the gym.

there's so much more to fill in, but i just wanted to update briefly and share my updated success... check the ticker!

:)

I guess I was off yesterday...

otherwise today's weight would be weird... i knew it felt odd yesterday... but this morning, i stook there as still as possible... and even went back later to try again.

yep. a loss. the biggest loss yet.

i'm down 7.4 pounds in the last 3.5 weeks.

Theme Song?

I'm thinking about having a theme song... something that will inspire me - knowing that these changes are slow and painful. Have any thoughts?

I think my friends are close by - and I'm so thankful for the comments I've received on here... but I really do feel alone.

I don't know anyone (well, I do, but they aren't close to me, really) who's as big as I am. How can anyone know what this is like? Sometimes I weep - Sometimes I am angered at the burden and want to fight hard...

I'm still here - it's been an off week for me since I last posted. Again - pray!
I'll update my ticker based on my weight this morning. You'll see a change. But not for the better.

Ticker

I've added a ticker.

I do weigh almost every day, and I know that people say not to do that... but when you have over 200 pounds to lose, those tiny miracles (like .5 here, .7 there) are what gets me motivated for the morning to make that day different!

I won't update the ticker every day... probably more like once per week. We'll see.

But, yes, you've read it correctly - 5.8 pounds lost... only 232 more to go.

It sounds ridiculous, doesn't it? I need to lose a whole overweight person just to be at a normal weight for my height.

My goal? 140 lbs.

well... i'm on my way

for two weeks, i've only done one simple thing...

I've tracked my food!

I know it sounds silly to those of you out there searching for what to do about your massive amount of weight to lose. I feel your pain. Literal pain, believe me. I'll get to my thoughts on that later on in another journal post.

For now, you should know that Fit Day has helped me so much. It's an online tracking system for weightloss, activity/movement, and food journal. It tallys up calories, fat grams, vitamin intake, carbs, the works! It shows you the percentage of your food that goes to fat, protein and carbs in a handy pie chart. Yum. Pie.

It has honestly helped me to eat less... because the more I see those numbers rising, the sicker I feel about the food I'm swallowing! I do not want to develop some unhealty hatred toward food, for it is not the cause of my state... its my heart. My inner person. I have done this to myself and I'm ready to change.

So, be on the look out for change - no pictures just yet.
Watch my tickers and postings.

I will lose this burden. This painful, disgusting burden.