Sigh...

It's been over a year since I posted here. I'm sure you know what that means, right?

I was looking back through my notes on my iPod touch (now on my iPhone since I made that switch). It's the place I had started keeping track of my gym trips. Miles walked, bike miles ridden, weights lifted, etc. The lists are slim.

I have really been trying to think about what changed.. why I stopped. What made me lose motivation in this journey.

I wrote here last August and explained a little about the changes I was going through. I also said I would explain later... I never did that, did I?

Gym
When we returned from our cruise, my roommate and I had texts from our trainer. Basically, she dropped the bomb on us. "The gym is closing down. Come by." What?! Just a month earlier, we had both resigned for two more years at an incredible rate! Long story short, the gym went under and they transferred us to another gym in the area. It is a couple more miles away, and very nice and shiny. Going in there with other members from our gym was kind of strange. We made jokes with one another about being the kids who get moved from the ghetto school over to the city school where they get new text books every year. It was a very different environment.

That of course meant that I was losing my trainer as well. She wasn't going to be coming to the new gym. I hadn't started a new contract with her, but had seen such great results that I was planning to ask her to train me for another year. The new gym offered those services as well, but of course at about 10x the price. I'm not joking. I waited a couple of months and decided that I needed the help, so I paid for a month of training. 30 minutes a week, for a month. It cost me almost the same amount as my RENT! I just figured it was a good investment and knew that this was something I needed. I didn't lose a pound that whole month. I felt like I was going to vomit every time we worked out, and didn't enjoy it nearly as much as I had with my first trainer at the other gym. Everything just felt different, and I couldn't get back into any kind of routine. I was falling out of the habit very quickly.

Of course, then the holidays came, winter blues, weight started to come back, and I was in denial. For months, I think. I was going to the gym sporadically, at best. My migraines were coming back more often and more intense, my sleep was becoming erratic again, and I was watching my body change all over again.. for the worse.

The summer was no better. I wasn't really motivated by anything in this part of my life.. or anywhere, really. I just felt like I was "getting by" all around. Food, working out, my job, friends. I don't really know if I was depressed. I wasn't sad about anything, but I just wasn't "excited." About anything, really. I enjoyed being lazy.

Then the fall came. I fell and broke my ankle and didn't go to the gym for another 4 weeks. I also went on vacation during that. It was very needed. Mentally and physically, it did a lot for me.

I started trying to have more a routine now that I'm back, but I can see that the choices I make are ALL important. Every day, all day long. This means with food, my time, my schedule, rest.. everything! It all matters and comes together for my good.

So, here I am. I've gained weight back (not all 80 pounds), but I'm back in a place that I thought I'd never be... and I hate it. And I don't want to be here.

So.. welcome back! I hope you're all still here... I'm going to need you!